Holidays should be a time of joy, love and spending time together with family. “Should” is key here, because this word often acts as pressure. As a result, for many of us, the holiday season also becomes a time of stress and conflict.
So what’s going on here? And what can we do about it?
Values and expectations
Each of us has our own ideas about what perfect holidays and family gatherings should look like. We have some habits from childhood, visions from Christmas romantic comedies or beliefs and values that are important to us, created over the years and experiences. When these expectations are not met, difficult emotions begin to accumulate. “It always has to be the way you want it to be!”, “I thought it would finally be peaceful this year”, “You’re wrong”, or “It’s not true” are becoming common phrases during heated discussions.
Reflecting on expectations
Before Christmas frustration hits us, it is worth considering what we really expect from this special time. Why do we care so much about the perfect scenario? By imagining a situation when these expectations are not met, we can prepare for various variants and minimize the risk of conflict.
Curiosity instead of conflict
When the atmosphere begins to thicken and words like “Here you go again” vibrate in the air, it’s worth turning on your curiosity. Our family also has its own expectations and ideas about the perfect holiday. Maybe someone wants to share their thoughts, but they don’t have anyone to talk to on a daily basis? Maybe my mother is worried that I’m alone at this age, because in her times it was a problem and it’s hardwired into her head? Maybe the words “I don’t understand why you don’t eat anything!” (and I only don’t eat meat) are dictated by concern, because meat was once a scarce commodity and it is now difficult to understand that it has changed? Instead of shouting, we can say, “That’s interesting. I didn’t see it that way.” “Tell me more about it.” “I hear the emotion in your voice. This issue is probably important to you. What moves you about this?”
Although conflicts are difficult (no matter whether we enter them or avoid them and bottle up our emotions), we can turn them into interesting conversations if we look at them from a slightly different perspective.
So it’s worth remembering a few slogans that will help us cope when our expectations fade away 😉
Self-awareness: Know your expectations and beliefs.
Reflection: Think about why you care so much about this.
Curiosity: Be open to conversation, different perspectives and understanding.
Smile to yourself and remember these simple 3 points. Maybe you can make the holidays not only a time of tradition, but also an opportunity for mutual understanding and support?
