Work environments can often feel like an emotional rollercoaster, throwing us into situations that test our patience and balance. As team leaders and agile coaches, it’s crucial to understand how these emotional upheavals can influence team dynamics and to guide your team toward healthier conflict resolution. Let’s explore some common triggers, why we sometimes act like children during conflicts, and how to argue like an adult.

Situations That Knock Us Off Balance

Several factors can disrupt our emotional equilibrium at work:

1. Character Differences: Every individual has a unique personality and set of values. When these clash, it can create tension and misunderstandings.
2. Personal Stress: Rough mornings, difficult interactions with family, or even personal health issues can carry over into the workplace.
3. Environmental Factors: The weather, noise levels, or a cluttered workspace can subtly influence our mood and reactions.
4. Communication Issues: Misinterpreted emails, unclear instructions, or a perceived tone in written communication can spark conflict.

These influences often set the stage for conflict, leading us to react in ways that might not be constructive.

Why We Sometimes Act Like Children During Conflicts?

Many of us resort to childlike behavior during conflicts due to a combination of factors. Firstly, most people were not taught how to resolve conflicts constructively. As children, we often observed adults dictating solutions rather than demonstrating collaborative problem-solving. Additionally, accurately identifying and expressing our emotions and needs is a skill many of us lack. Without this skill, frustrations can build up and explode. Lastly, we develop strategies and viewpoints that we believe are correct, and this rigidity can prevent us from seeing other perspectives, making us defensive or stubborn.

What It Means to Argue Like an Adult

Arguing like an adult involves adopting mature, constructive approaches to conflict. This means recognizing your emotions and understanding their sources, taking a moment to breathe and center yourself if you’re reacting out of frustration from an unrelated issue. It involves expressing your feelings and needs clearly and respectfully, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, such as saying, “I feel frustrated when deadlines are missed” instead of “You never meet deadlines.” Listening to understand rather than to respond is crucial, as it means truly hearing the other person’s perspective without immediately planning your counter-argument. Being open to other viewpoints and solutions is also important, as collaboration often leads to better outcomes than rigidly sticking to your original plan. Lastly, shifting the focus from personal attacks to finding a mutually beneficial solution by asking questions like “How can we address this issue together?” is key to resolving conflicts constructively.

Practical Steps to Foster Adult-like Arguments in Your Team

1. Lead by Example: Demonstrate the behaviors you wish to see. Show empathy, active listening, and flexibility in your interactions.
2. Training and Workshops: Provide training on emotional intelligence and conflict resolution. Role-playing different scenarios can be particularly effective.
3. Open Culture: Foster an open culture where team members feel safe expressing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment.
4. Regular Check-Ins: Implement regular one-on-one and team check-ins to address brewing issues before they escalate. Use retrospective meetings to talk about “arguing like an adult” approach.

By understanding the factors that lead to emotional turbulence and recognizing the roots of childish behavior during conflicts, team leaders and agile coaches can guide their teams toward healthier, more productive ways of arguing. Arguing like an adult is about maintaining respect, seeking understanding, and collaboratively solving problems—a vital skill set for any successful team.